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5 Signs That Your Birth Provider is Truly Supportive

2/17/2016

Not all care providers are created equal. Here is a quick list of ways to know if you are on the same page with yours!
By Erin Stertz-Follett, CD(DONA), LCCE, HBCE

Aly Folin & Rebecca Polson, midwives {Megan Crown Photography}

1) They listen to you. Really listen to you.
Your appointments shouldn’t feel rushed. Yes, the pressures on providers to turn a profit and keep the insurance companies happy are real in the medical world. But there are providers out there who will take their time, in some cases 45-60 minutes for each prenatal appointment - And this is what you deserve! Longer appointments allow both parties to become familiar and comfortable with each other. They build trust. They open the door for education. They make you feel safe asking questions, no matter how big or small. In general, the midwifery model of care allows for longer prenatal visits. However, there are obstetricians or family practice doctors who buck the 'system' and spend that extra time with you! Look for a provider who sets down the chart, or turns away from the computer monitor, to look you in the eye and address all of your concerns.

2) They respect your opinions. You are equals.
The provider-patient relationship should never feel one-sided. This is your birth and your baby, after all. You shouldn’t feel like your provider dismisses your thoughts or instincts about your pregnancy or desires for your birth. It is okay to have disagreements throughout your relationship with your provider, but you shouldn't feel like you are constantly having to fight for what you want; and you should never feel belittled. Their opinions should always be backed by sound evidence, as per Sign #3...

3) They answer your questions… With best evidence.
Ever hear the term “evidence-based medicine” or “evidence-based birth?” Yeah, it’s real. We are living in a time where “this is just the way we have always done it” doesn’t hold water anymore. If your provider says, “Yes, I always practice evidence-based care,” yet the cesarean birth rate for their clinic is 45%, you may be right to question their answer! Listen to the language they use. A perfect example is a mother preparing to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). If her provider is using language like, “we will let you try” or “we will allow you to go through trial of labor,” this signals that they are perhaps more "VBAC-tolerant" than VBAC-supportive. In reality, the evidence shows that VBACs are recommended and safe for the majority of women (ACOG and NIH agree). Words like “let” and “allow” have no place in birth.

If your provider is recommending a procedure for pregnancy or birth that you are unsure of, ask them for the literature... And use your B.R.A.I.N! A truly supportive provider wants you to be involved in making decisions about your care and upholds the tenets of informed consent/refusal. You can also visit evidencebasedbirth.com to aid in your research about common birth practices.

4) They include your partner/family.
Birth is a transformative event in the life of a family! Your partner/spouse/older children should be included. Appointments with your provider should feel welcoming to those who you care for and who care for you. Your partner/spouse should be involved in the discussion surrounding your pregnancy and birth and should be encouraged to ask their own questions. Birthing requires a team and you’re all in this together!

5) You leave each appointment feeling better than when you came in.
You should depart each visit with your provider feeling supported, informed, listened-to, and with a little bounce in your step! If you do not, this could be your gut telling you that you need to look elsewhere. You should never leave your visit feeling like you have more questions than answers or like you were wasting your provider’s time.

Helpful Hints for Finding a Supportive Provider:

Interview a number of providers before making your choice. There are many good lists of interview questions out there. Click HERE for a great example from Lamaze International. Many providers are happy to schedule a consult before you sign-up for their care. Take advantage of this time to get to know their philosophy on pregnancy and birth, and decide if their personality and philosophies are the right fit for you! Be sure to ask what their rates are for cesarean birth and for other common birth interventions.
Ask for recommendations from those you know. Friends, family members, doulas and childbirth educators in your community, and others can guide you towards selecting a provider who might match up well with your views on birth, whatever they may be. Explain what you are looking for and ask your contacts why they would recommend this provider, how they have seen them practice, etc. First-hand knowledge from others can be invaluable! Just remember that you have your own unique values surrounding birth, and someone who is right for your sister or friend may not be right for you.
Remember: It is never too late in pregnancy to switch providers!
I have known families who have decided to follow their “parent antenna” and switch providers as late as 38-39 weeks of pregnancy. While it is never ideal to have to "start over" late in the game, it is usually a true game-changer. You are a consumer, and you have the right to receive only the best services. Don’t worry about hurt feelings; and don’t allow any guilt-tripping (real or perceived) from your current provider sway your decision. Sometimes the person who you have seen all of your adult life for your annual exam/pap smears is not someone who shares your birth philosophy… And that is okay!

Flutterby Birth Services, located in Edina, MN, provides childbirth education, breastfeeding education and support, doula care, placenta encapsulation, parenting groups and classes, prenatal fitness, and more!

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Mothering Through Grief

2/4/2016

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A Personal Reflection on Loss, Postpartum Depression, and Searching for Peace
by Erin Stertz-Follett

I tell many of my families that my girls are 10 and 4; and often with the caveat that "they are five-plus years apart because I never thought I could love another child as much as I loved my first." It was my mom, in her infinite wisdom, who posed this question to me: "But can you imagine going through life without your sister? What if something happened to me or to Dad, and you didn't have anyone else to experience that with?" She would pass away from cancer a few years later. And you know what? She was right. I can't imagine going through her illness or her death without my older sister Sarah by my side. Nor should my Audrey have to. So, I gave her a sister. Little Evie was born just 7 1/2 months before mom died. Her full name is Evelynn, with the "double N" being a nod to my mother's name, Lynn.

Although Evie's birth was fairly straightforward and I felt generally good immediately after, her infancy was filled with sadness for me. My mother was no longer strong enough to pick her up as she grew, or to change her diapers, or to carry her from her crib to my waiting arms in the middle of the night like she had done with Audrey. As I was ushering a new life into the world and doing my best to feed and care for her, I was ushering another life out. Evie's first several months are a blur; the grief of knowing my mother would not be long for this world compounding the typical newborn sleep deprivation and the isolation that can come with being a new parent (even for the second time). I was a "stay at home mom" at that point, and although my amazingly supportive husband did all he could (including leaving work early hundreds of times to come home to find me frustrated and in or near tears), I felt so. Alone.

I don't remember all that much of Evie's first year. Memories are parsed together mainly through photographs and stories. I have never admitted this to anyone before; aside from, perhaps, my husband. The guilt that can come with not being able to remember most of your baby's early milestones can weigh heavily on a mother's heart. My scribbles etched on paper and the highlights scattered throughout her baby books are all I have. I was blinded by my grief. In a complete and utter fog. My mother-in-law's unexpected death came along eight months after my mother's. Life seemed to be snowballing.

When my first-born Audrey was a new baby, and through about the age of four, Mom was one of her primary caretakers. She and Grandma were buddies. In the midst of my postpartum recovery with Audrey, Mom was there to help with all of the little things. She would rock Audrey to sleep for nap in the quiet darkness of the nursery at our house in North Minneapolis. She played a CD of Christian songs for babies. The beautiful, innocent voices of small children sang out. After Mom was gone, I could no longer listen to that CD. In fact, nap times were the most difficult with Evie. That dark room with a helpless infant clinging to me; depending on me. I sat there in silence, hoping that my hot tears weren't falling unto her soft little cheeks. Although I still have not been able to part with that CD that Mom used to play, I have not been able to bring myself to listen to it either. Since 2011, it has been sitting, collecting dust on Evie's shelf. It likely will for years to come.

I am sure my story isn't unique. Postpartum struggles, mood disorders, and loss in general are certainly more prevalent that most of us care to admit. Postpartum depression can come on anytime within the first year of your child's life, as I know that mine did when it was triggered by my loss. My point in writing this, perhaps, is to pull the curtains back a bit on grief when it happens in the early weeks, months, and years of parenting. Such a juxtaposition it is - Grief and society's expectations and messages that having a new baby should be nothing but bliss. And such cruel irony, it seems, that as you become (or re-become) a mother, you could be losing your own.

As Mom lay in her hospital bed just moments after hearing the news that none of us wanted to hear, she turned to me and said, "Well, I wish I would have gotten to know Evie better." Me too, Mom. I sometimes see you there, in the rocker that still lives in Evie's room, shushing and rocking and playing that dusty old CD. I hope, one day, I will have the courage to play it again.

If you are struggling with postpartum depression, anxiety, or other mood disorders, please seek help. Pregnancy & Postpartum Support Minnesota is a great place to start. You are always welcome at Flutterbabies, Flutterby's Mom + Baby Group.

-Erin Stertz-Follett is a birth doula, childbirth educator, and owner of Flutterby Birth Services. Flutterby strives to be a welcoming venue for mothers and families from all walks of life and all experiences to find support and education. We provide doula care, placenta encapsulation, childbirth education, and other supportive services for the Minneapolis-St. Paul community!

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5 Signs That Your Birth Provider is Truly Supportive

Mothering Through Grief

A Personal Reflection on Loss, Postpartum Depression, and Searching for Peaceby Erin Stertz-Follett

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A Personal Reflection on Loss, Postpartum Depression, and Searching for Peace
by Erin Stertz-Follett